8/1 - On health and working harder
tags: #journal
Today was Thursday. (To be honest, I'm actually writing this right on Friday, the day after. but I'll pretend I'm writing on the same day)
Today I got a surprising call. My dad just had a stroke. He felt it about 4 days ago when he was in Aceh. He mentioned to my mom he had difficulty in speaking. But my mom didn't really understand since he seems to be able to speak to her. But 1-2 days after, he start to feel other symptoms and suspected stroke. Anyway, he flew back to KL just last night with my mom and flew immediately to HKL. and diagnosis says it's true. He's having speech difficulty right now, and the doctor says the affected brain area is irrecoverable. (but obviously, we're gonna check on more hospital to get different opinion)
This fact is sadder because speaking is ultimately his bread & butter for decades now as a teacher. I think if it was the droopy face symptom, it wouldn't hit him as hard.
But in a way we are also lucky, my dad seems to be able to move normally, still alive and didn't collapse.
To be honest, I already expected this day to come, my dad is pretty old (67) and he already has diabetes. But I didn't expect this to come so soon. I still felt wholly unprepared. (I'm not sure about the emotional aspect, because I generally is quite emotionless or i just avoid them, I'll mainly discuss on more of the logical side. But I do think I feel sadder than I expected)
I've been dreading the day where my dad is unable to work, as some of my sibling are still depending on him. I've been dreading that I would need to support both my parents financials (since they are the type to have no insurance or retirement plan) on top of the gap my siblings funding (mainly for their education) that would happen after my dad stop working. I was hoping we had 1 more year, where both my siblings would have finished their uni and be more independent. And I'd have 1 more year to struck it rich.
I've been justifying sacrificing my time or energy for working or investing in myself rather than family, so I can reach financial success much faster and be able to help the family much more later. And logically it makes sense to me to just put intense effort in 2-3 years, set a clear boundary for me to achieve and, and then be financially free. And I'll have a lot more free time or resources after that to help my family in any way. Rather than splitting my attention and energy while doing my startup.
But I'm too slow. And I'm starting to feel guilty now for not working as hard. There are many instances where I feel like I definitely slacked off with the excuse of my own happiness or mental health or my own laziness. And I didn't feel the pressure to survive anymore as I felt in my own uni. I should have realized that I really don't have the luxury. I could've cut off with all the time i spend on watching movies/manhwa/playing games etc. Or the time i spent on people or experience that was for my own happiness but not as necessary.
I think it was a wakeup call for me to my discipline and also in my own health i guess. I also feel like taking care of my health better e.g reduce sugar.
But to be honest, I'm not sure the better course of action after this. Even if I suddenly were to work hard. Which aspect should I work harder? should I actually sacrifice more of my work time to spend time for my family? or double down on work so we actually have money.
Probably the former. Worst case scenario, I can just be in debt, but I'll be fine. But I won't be able to have the time with my parents back and i might regret. In terms of trying to work harder, instead I can start cutting off in my luxury, e.g time wasted on doomscrolling, money wasted on eating out, etc. And just be more disciplined in general.
But yes here's to my newfound commitment now
start drinking plain water when eating out
go back to my oatmeal with fruits routine
- less eating out? get cheap meals (rice and eggs, maggi, etc)
start my habits & habit tracking again
cut down on doomscrolling, mahwa, movies, games
stop spending money on things that are not as necessary
- it's fine if it'll significantly improve my life it's fine (e.g phone, laptop, workout equipment, microphone etc)
- if it's just my wants (e.g escape room, eating out, fun experiences, travel, etc) maybe I'll cut it down